Deserter or Disciple?
Running.
That’s what I have been doing for a long time.
Any pain. Any discomfort. Any challenge.
I have been back in the United States since May 3rd. I have a hard time wrapping my head around the idea that I have been home for 8 months. That’s almost as long as I was gone. In that last 8 months many events have occurred.
- I left 35 of my closest brothers and sisters
- I reunited with my mom, dad, and brother that I hadn’t seen in almost a year. As well as my other brother whom I hadn’t seen in almost 2 years. He returned from the Race as I was leaving with minimal overlap.
- I had reunions with sweet friends.
- I left 2 weeks later to start a discipleship training program in another state.
- I spent a little over 3 months diving into the calling that the Lord has put on my life. To grow and make disciples through relational discipleship through the vehicle of mission work.
- The Lord brought me to new depths in my relationship with Him.
- There were many really amazing times and really difficult times. Times when I could feel the Lord so closely, and times that I didn’t know if I recognized His voice.
- I also spent that 3 months being surrounded by an amazing community of believers. People, who I hadn’t known very long, but because of our common pursuit of the Lord, welcomed, loved me, with open arms, and challenged me.
- At the end of those 3 months, I sought after the opportunities that I thought were the right way to go, but the Lord had other plans. All other doors immediately shut and I returned home.
- I took some time and slowly worked my way back into working a pretty consistent schedule between a couple jobs.
- I tried getting back into normal life at home with the “new” soul in my body. It was and is not easy. To learn how to live as who I am in the physical place of who I was.
So when the going got tough, I ran. I abandoned everything that I had come to know as truth. The truth of who Abba is, who He says I am and who He has made me to be. I ran away from the vision the Lord gave me of deep relational discipleship through the vehicle of overseas mission work. I was given an opportunity to go back out and to do the thing that Papa had placed in my heart. The lies of me not being enough and who am I to go and do this, set in, accompanied by a hefty fundraising ticket. I walked away. I ran away. I ran away from who I know God to be. Faithful. Loving. All knowing. Enough. All that I am not.
I ran to comfort. I ran to the things that used to satisfy my soul if even just for a little while. I ran to busying up my schedule so that I never had time to just sit and be with my thoughts. I ran to working with the goal of having money fill the hole in my heart. I ran to pornography as a fleeting enjoyment and distraction from life. I ran to people, in hopes that feeling loved and sought after would fill that hole. I ran to all of these things, but the whole time my Papa has been waiting for me to return. He ran to me with arms wide open like the father receiving home his prodigal son. His grace and mercy sufficient.
Papa asked me, “Are you ready to let it all go and wholeheartedly seek after me and what I have for you?”
Funny enough, this new devotional I got for Christmas was sitting next to me as He said that. He said, “Open it. Read today’s devotion. Remember. Share what I have done in your life for my glory.”
I open it up and the title is “Deserter or Disciple?”
“When God gives a vision by His Spirit through His word of what He wants, and your mind and soul thrill to it, if you do not walk in the light of that vision, you will sink into servitude to a point of view that Our Lord never had. Disobedience…..”
“You can never be the same after the unveiling of a truth. That moment marks you for going on as a more true disciple of Jesus Christ, or for going back as a deserter.”
In John 6, Jesus reveals to the 12 and his other followers that He is the bread of life, the only way of eternal life from the Father. Many did not believe Him and no longer had ignorance to the truth of who He is. They willfully chose to walk away. Deserters.
I choose to follow, to seek, to grow. I chose to know the truth and seek it out. I choose to walk in the calling placed upon my life.
Will you help me follow that calling where Papa leads? A door has opened for me to go back out at the end of January to help guide and influence a group on the mission field. To share my life and testimony with them. To pursue the Lord with them. To love and to encourage them in their walks with the Lord. I have to raise $5,400 as soon as possible or this specific door may not be open very much longer. Will you join me? Will you join me in prayer for provision, for my heart as I prepare to go to them, and for their hearts for what the Lord wants to do in their lives and mine? Will you support me financially? I believe in the Lord’s calling and provision.
